


I'd Be Lost and Lonely

by danke_rose



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Kissing, Logan (X-Men) mentioned - Freeform, kurtty - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 15:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21460126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danke_rose/pseuds/danke_rose
Summary: When Kurt Wagner comes back from the dead, he expects one of his closest friends to be waiting, but she isn't.  Just when he thinks all is lost, he finds her, only to lose her again.
Relationships: Kitty Pryde/Kurt Wagner
Kudos: 9





	I'd Be Lost and Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> Timelines mean nothing to me. This is absolutely not how things went when Kurt came back from the dead. I guess that makes it alternate timeline? Not sure.  
Kind of angsty.  
Short.  
They're probably out of character, but just go with it.

The world had turned on its head, dumping everything over so that he couldn't understand anything anymore. He came back to a team split, full of anger and blame and distrust. Kurt had imagined coming back to life would hurt, but not like this. He'd sacrificed everything, diving from Heaven to a home that felt broken.

When his friends arrived to help him save Heaven from Azazel, he had wondered where Kitty was. Surely she would have fought beside him. At the time, he couldn't spare more than a moment to ponder her absence, with the safety of Heaven itself hinging on their fight with his demon father. He told himself she'd be waiting for him when he completed the rest of his plan.

The moment he slipped into his brand-new body, sealed his father to Earth, joined more friends and been welcomed, he looked for her. He scanned the shadows and asked about her, but no one seemed to hear his questions. They shuffled him from one old friend to another, with expressions of care and concern and how much they had all missed him. Slowly he realized she wasn't here at all. He had counted on it, and lost. There was a hole in his heart and she wasn't here to fill it. He followed his friends upstairs, feeling out of step with everything around him.

  
  


On the roof, Logan caught up to him, offering beer like always. He wouldn't talk about what happened. Wouldn't name the ones who'd left. Scott. Emma. Illyana.

And Kitty.

Siding with Scott against him.

Kurt and Logan talked about Heaven and hell and Kurt didn't tell him what he'd given up. His soul had been collateral damage in his fight to save the afterlife from Azazel. Eventually, they would all find out, but for now, until he could come to terms with it, he didn't want to talk about it, not with Logan.

He longed to talk to Kitty. She had been one of his closest friends, never quite what he wanted her to be. He wanted to hear her tell him that he was still a good person, that God wouldn't forsake him. He looked at the stars, remembering when she was up there. At the time, _that_ had been hell. He couldn't decide what was worse now, knowing she was alive but probably didn't want to see him, or believing she was dead.

  
  


Logan arranged the party. Kurt didn't know how Scott's team found out, but when they walked in, Kurt thought there might be a brawl. Kitty and Logan faced off until Kurt stepped in, insisting that for tonight, they would all be family again. It was only deference to his friendship with Kurt that Logan allowed the others to stay. He backed away, claws sheathed once again.

Kurt had to greet them all, but his eyes were fixed on Kitty. She hung back back now, arms crossed and staring defiantly at anyone who looked her way, and pointedly _not_ staring at Kurt. His heart slammed in his chest as he made his way to her, only to be waylaid by some well-meaning friend who tried to drag him off for more beer. When he extricated himself from the shoulder clapping, she had disappeared. He scanned the perimeter of the room, looked at every face in that crowd. He prowled the clusters of friends and peered into the back room and dark spaces. She was gone. His whole body prickled with pins and needles. She hadn't wanted to see him after all.

The ache in his chest grew until it was almost unbearable. Drinking didn't help. He began to wish there had been some other way to stop Azazel, to avoid this pain. It was so much worse than simply missing her.

When he chased his mother out of the building, it felt good to fight. The skirmish between her and Azazel as he drove them back released some of the tension in his gut, but when they escaped, it flooded back stronger than before. The adrenaline had only masked it. He trudged back to the bar, and almost tripped over Kitty when he took the corner in the alley too closely.

His heart flew into his throat and he couldn't speak at first. She was sitting on a newspaper with her back to the wall of the bar with her head on her knees.

“Kätzchen?”

“Hey.” She didn't look up.

Each time he thought he'd reached the lowest point, the worst level of pain, something pushed him lower still. If it kept up, he'd crumble to dust. He dropped into a crouch beside her. Stubborn hope sent his arms around her. She didn't move, enduring his embrace with stiff shoulders. He let his arms fall away and stood up again. Blood rushed from his head and he braced himself on the wall. He was sure the pieces of his heart were filtering into his veins, soon to be flushed from his body forever, to join his wayward soul.

“I shouldn't have come,” she said, angrily wiping her eyes. Why was she crying?

“Why—why not?” he stammered.

“You don't want us here. Scott and...we're outcasts now. I'm sure Logan told you.”

“He didn't tell me much, actually. He won't talk about it.”

She laughed mirthlessly and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. He couldn't breathe, torn between the desire to console her or to run away before it got worse. He dropped to his knees beside her, hard, scraping on the concrete. She looked at him then, at last, eyes rimmed in red.

“You don't really want us here,” she repeated, but this time he heard a note of questioning, of hope that she might be wrong.

“No—no, that's not right. I've been looking for you everywhere.” He wanted to crawl to her but he couldn't move. All he could do was focus on processing what she was saying.

“You don't mean that,” she said, stubbornly shaking her head. “I know what you think of me. The same as all of them in there.”

That upside-down feeling was affecting him again. He was confused and frustrated. Why would she think that? “What do I think of you?”

“That I'm a traitor.”

He leaned forward, reaching for her, but withdrew his hand before he touched her knee. “No, _no_, I don't think that—you're wrong, Kätzchen. Won't you give me a chance? Tell me what happened.”

She looked across the alley at the trash cans and laughed again. He watched the motion of her wrists as she wrapped her arms tighter around her knees. Skinny little wrists and arms that were deceptively strong. She'd pulled him through the ground once to save them. He was not accustomed to seeing her like this, small and uncertain.

“I _had_ to leave, Kurt.” She told the story staring at the brick wall in front of her, and he listened, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter why she was gone, it only mattered that she was here, right now, sitting a foot away and not even looking at him. The silence lingered too long when she finished her story.

She was going to walk away. He could feel it in the way she shifted her feet under her.

He had to keep her here, had to make her understand that he loved her. “You think I would not want you after that?”

He watched his words sink in, waiting for the ultimate rejection.

Kitty nodded and leaned towards him, a slight movement he might not have noticed if he had not been glued to her since finding her here. He reached out, pulling her to him roughly, dragging her onto his lap so he could wrap his arms around her and press her against him.

“Never,” he said into her hair, his hands and arms and tail trying to hold all of her at once. He realized she wasn't pushing him away, she was clinging to him just as tightly, crawling up his lap, fingers puckering the fabric of his uniform. “You have no idea how much I need you.”

A wracking sob escaped with his name, and she struggled for a deep breath. “Oh god, Kurt, I missed you so much.”

She shook in his arms, both of them crying. Kurt kissed her hair, stroking his hands through it, heedless of the mess he made of her ponytail. He kissed her cheek and her forehead and her lips. She froze, her grip on his shirt loosened as her eyes found his, and she kissed him back. Messy, desperate, he tried to wrap himself around her and hold her, ephemeral as she was, so she could not leave him again, never mind it was he who had done the leaving.

Finally breathless, he pressed his forehead to hers, unwilling to part from her even a fraction. Heavy footsteps and a slamming door sent her scrambling to her feet, a ghost phasing through the far wall and out of his arms. He never had a chance to ask her to wait. The brilliant flash of light from behind the neighboring building told him Illyana had taken her home, and he couldn't seem to get to his feet.

Logan tapped on Kurt's head. “What'cha doin', Elf?”

Kurt shook his head and looked at his hands. “I do not know.”

**Author's Note:**

> She'll come back, don't worry. :-)
> 
> Thanks to Tom Petty for the lyric that is the title, from "Alright for Now."


End file.
